WHY DID I FALL FOR HIS LIES?

Three years ago, I met and fell in love with an attractive and exciting man. I had never met anyone like him, and he swept me off my feet in a matter of days.

We seemed to have so much in common and, for a while, life felt perfect. So, it was a bit of a shock when he told me he was married.

He quickly added that he would leave his wife and be with me, but that he couldn’t do this immediately because his daughter was having a difficult time at school. It took me almost two years to realise this was baloney and he had no intention of ever leaving his family.

Read more: Ask Jennifer: Why does my husband suddenly need space?

We parted, none too amicably, and I tried to get on with my life.

I’d just about got there about a year later, when he came back on the scene wanting to give it another try. I had mixed feelings and took a lot of persuading but, as he agreed to move in with me immediately, I agreed, as I was still very attracted to him.

He was with me for just three months before going back to his wife. I have since found out that she had booted him out for sleeping with someone else. How could I have fallen for his rubbish a second time? I feel used, depressed and hurt.

I would like a loving relationship someday, but how can I ever trust my own judgement again?

I have been so stupid.

JENNIFER SAYS: Please don’t be so hard on yourself. You’re not the first to be taken in by a charmer like this and you certainly won’t be the last. Nor will you be the last to act in haste when a new and exciting opportunity appears.

You’ve learned a painful lesson — married men rarely, if ever, leave their spouse, particularly when children are involved.

You’ve been badly treated and it’s likely to take a while to get over this. However, please don’t give up completely on the idea of having a loving relationship, with a genuinely caring man, because they ARE out there

WHY DID I FALL FOR HIS LIES?
WHY DID I FALL FOR HIS LIES?

It’s probably not a good idea to go looking for them immediately though. Better to spend some time analysing what’s happened over the last three years.

If you can identify what went wrong, you stand a good chance of avoiding similar mistakes in the future. It would also provide an opportunity to explore sensible precautions, like taking your time to get to know someone before committing wholeheartedly to a relationship.

There is no guarantee, of course, that it won’t happen again, but if you can learn from this experience, you’ll know you’ve done all you can.

Counselling can help you to do this. Your doctor may be able to refer you to a local counsellor but wait times are long, so you may prefer to contact a separate body yourself.

MY FIANCE’S EX IS PREGNANT WITH HIS BABY

I have known my fiance for only four months. We fell in love almost at once and within a few weeks, had starting talking about marriage and a life together. When he proposed, I was over the moon and could not remember ever feeling that happy.

The happiness was not to last though, because last week he received a call from an ex-girlfriend telling him that she is pregnant. He had been seeing this woman only weeks before he met me.

My fiance says they only went out a few times, that it was nothing serious and she means nothing to him. Apparently, she wants nothing from him either, but felt that as the baby’s father he should know.

Despite what she says, I am sure she will change her tune when the baby is born, and she will expect my fiance to help pay for the child. He thinks the same way and has suggested we should simply move away so she can’t find us.

He is worried about it though, but I’m just angry and blame this woman for spoiling the happiness we should be feeling about our engagement. Why would she do this?

MY FIANCE’S EX IS PREGNANT WITH HIS BABY
MY FIANCE’S EX IS PREGNANT WITH HIS BABY

JENNIFER SAYS: What do you mean, ‘Why would she do this?’ She’s done it because your fiance is every bit as responsible for this child as she is. Moreover, she probably had no idea that he was already engaged to someone else so soon after getting her pregnant.

So, save your anger and resentment, because she certainly doesn’t deserve it.

If the child is his, your fiance should accept that he has some responsibility. The mature, right thing to do would be to offer help, and if that means providing financial support, so be it. The fact he isn’t should be giving you second thoughts about what exactly you are getting into by potentially marrying him.

Do you really want to be married to a man whose first response to a difficult situation is to run away and hide?

WHAT DO I SAY TO GRIEVING NEIGHBOUR?

I live next door to lady whose husband has just died. They were never close friends as such, but they have been good neighbours and were particularly helpful when I first moved into my apartment.

I want to be able to say how sorry I am and offer help, but really have no idea how to do this.

Knocking on the door seems like an intrusion and an email just seems too trivial and impersonal. What do you say when someone dies?

WHAT DO I SAY TO GRIEVING NEIGHBOUR?
WHAT DO I SAY TO GRIEVING NEIGHBOUR?

JENNIFER SAYS: Many people feel awkward doing this, but it’s really not that difficult. In fact, you’ve already said it yourself, just say how sorry you are and offer to help. If you can’t do this face-to-face, pop a note or a card through her door.

Say you are sorry to hear of her husband’s passing and that you are grateful for the kindness they have showed you. Close by saying that if there’s anything can do to help, just let you know.

Rather than feel that nobody cares, I am sure most bereaved people welcome messages of condolence and offers of help, even if they are not needed.

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