Ever since we got together, my partner and I have had money worries, but it’s got much worse in the last year or so. My partner has a good job that pays well, but all we seem to do is build up more debt.
He’s been on at me for months to get a job and help pay off some of the debt, but we have a one-year-old daughter who takes us so much of my time. He thinks all I need to do is get a childminder, but he has no idea how expensive this is. I’ve looked and I know it would more than use up anything I could earn.
I left school early and have no formal qualifications, so the best I could find is just about minimum wage. We’ve got an old desktop computer, so I tried doing some online survey work, but it’s hard to pick out the genuine stuff from the scams.
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I keep looking but my partner won’t let it go. I can tell he’s worried about something at work, but he won’t discuss it. He’s been irritable and distant with me for weeks now.
He also gets angry with me if I try to get him to talk about it, all he wants is for me to get a job and earn as much as I can. Believe me, I would if it was that easy, but I feel he’s being unfair.
He complains all the time that we’re broke, but still manages to go to the pub after work at least twice a week, go to football matches regularly and find the money for cigarettes.
Do you think I’d be better off without him?
JENNIFER SAYS: I am sorry you’re having to deal with this. If it’s any consolation, you’re not alone — many people are feeling the cost-of-living squeeze. Money issues are at the core of many relationship breakdowns, and your partner isn’t helping matters by refusing to talk about it.
By bottling this up, he’s just adding to his stress levels, which probably explains the irritability along with the drinking and smoking.
However, at some point, he’s going to have to accept the realities of having a young child and the fact that you’re simply living beyond your current means. He’s then got to be willing to do something about it.
As a first step, I suggest you contact a debt adviser who can help you to budget your finances better, so that you avoid adding more debt, as well as put in place a payment plan for your existing debt.
They may even be able to steer your partner towards better and cheaper lifestyle choices.
Once you’ve got this in place, you can then think more clearly about possible job options for you.
Have you considered a job share scenario with someone you trust? This way you take turns looking after children while the other works. Another option would be shift-work while your husband is free at home to look after your daughter — which might cut into the time he spends in the pub.
This is not ideal, but in the short-term it could provide some relief from money worries.
Finally, please consider doing some sort of training course. Many colleges have creche facilities and getting a qualification should help you to find more rewarding and better paid work.
WEIGHT IS GETTING ME DOWN
Please help, I’m a fat blob and I hate how I look. I have lost count of the number of different diets I have tried and while they all seem to work for a while, the weight always piles back on.
I suppose I’d have been happy if my weight had just stayed constant, but the fact is it hasn’t. It’s kept increasing and I’m currently almost 15 stone and only 5fit 5inches tall.
I need to do something. I struggle to get around sometimes and hate buying clothes, as I feel embarrassed trying on stuff.
I’m also pretty certain that my husband no longer fancies me. He hasn’t said anything, but it’s been weeks since we last had sex and even then, his heart didn’t seem to be in it.
I feel miserable all the time, which just makes me want to eat all the wrong foods and drink wine. My life’s a complete mess and I can’t see any way out.
JENNIFER SAYS: It’s difficult to know exactly why your weight continues to creep up in spite of your dieting, but one obvious reason could be what you do when you stop.
You say you eat sensibly, but if you go back to eating the sort of things you did before, then you are going back to what made you overweight in the first place. Inevitably, if you do that, you will become overweight again — and this is often why diets don’t really work.
There are so many different kinds of diets and trying to find one that works for you is tricky. Try and find a way of eating that allows you to eat sensibly, because the important thing to remember is that whatever works for you is only the first step. In order to keep the weight off, you have to commit to lifestyle changes, including regular exercise, and stick with them.
On top of that, the fact that you are, by the sound of it, depressed and lacking in confidence may also be encouraging you to eat the wrong things for comfort. Perhaps you could talk to your GP about this?
CAN I HAVE ANOTHER CHILD AFTER HYSTERECTOMY?
Three years ago, I had to have a hysterectomy because of fibroids in my womb. That was devastating enough, but then my life turned upside-down when my husband left me. It took me a while to get over it, but we are now divorced and I’ve now met someone who I really want to spend my life with.
My ex-husband and I had three children together and I thought I would be happy with that, but now I feel as if I would really like at least one child with my new partner.
I asked my GP who said it wasn’t possible. But surely there is a way, somehow, to do something.
JENNIFER SAYS: I don’t know if you have kept your ovaries, but as you no longer have a womb, there is no way for you to carry a foetus.
Technically, if you still have your ovaries and you are still ovulating, then an egg could potentially become fertilised inside you. However this is extremely rare and, what’s more, extremely dangerous. It leads to a potentially life-threatening medical condition called an ectopic pregnancy, where a fertilised egg implants itself outside of the uterus. Therefore, after a hysterectomy, pregnancy simply isn’t possible.
For you to potentially have a child with your new partner, the only way would be to ‘harvest’ an egg (ovum) from you. It would then have to be fertilised by your partner’s sperm, then implanted in someone else who agrees to be a surrogate for you.
But you would need to seek professional advice about this.
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