When Bethan O’Riordan was pregnant with her first child, she read the famous book by Heidi Murkoff, What to Expect When You’re Expecting .
She learned about childbirth and thought she was somewhat ready to be a mum, envisaging lazy lunches with friends with her baby son in the pram beside her.
But when she went into labour a month early, she realised maybe becoming a mother wasn’t going to be as easy as she had imagined.
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She told RSVP Live: “I thought you went to the hospital, you had a baby, you’re holding him in your arms, it’s this amazing experience…I had no clue.
“First of all, he wouldn’t come out of me! I had to have an episiotomy, which was traumatic.
“I had so many stitches and I was so wounded that still to this day I think, if you had that level of injury anywhere else on your body, they would never expect you to go home and look after a child. It’s just because it was labour, it’s like ‘Off you go now.’”
Bethan, who lives in Cork, said she never imagined she’d be quite so tired.
“I was just so exhausted. I remember the day I had my son, I cried to my husband saying ‘I just want a break, I need to sleep!’
“And then I didn’t really sleep for the next three years.”
As her son became a toddler, she struggled with the fact that he wouldn’t just do what he was told.
“I thought parenting would be me saying to my child ‘Can you do that’ and they would just listen, but he didn’t!
"I was totally overwhelmed, exhausted, anxious and angry. I was cross with my son for not listening to me and our relationship was difficult.
“When he didn’t do what I told him to do, there were many tears and shouting from both of us.
“I became someone I didn’t recognise and I knew something had to change.”
Bethan, who is now a psychotherapist specialising in parenting support, said therapy helped her to realise that when a baby is born, a mother is born too. This means that parents unwittingly pass the way they were parented on to their children.
"How we parent is stored within our DNA and our brain’s retention of early child experiences,” she explained.
“The way I was parented was, you got told what to do and if you didn’t do it, I remember being smacked and shouted at. I remember thinking I didn’t want that to be the way for me and my children.
“When I went back into therapy, the therapist said ‘Well, how were related to as a child?’ That opened up a whole world of feelings and sensations. Without finger-pointing at my mum or my dad, because everyone does their best. I wanted to do my best in a different way to how I was raised.”
Bethan began the process of re-parenting herself, exploring triggers and cultivating compassionate parenting so she could have the relationship she wanted with herself and her children.
"Cultivating compassion helped me face what I was finding so shameful, upsetting and difficult. But more than that, it helped me move forwards with kindness, strength and a commitment to wanting things to be better.”
"Children have developing brains and they often don’t understand what we’re asking of them. They can’t create a context, and they get overwhelmed very easily. It’s the parent’s responsibility to support them when they are overwhelmed, on top of your overwhelm.
"And none of this is anyone’s fault. It’s not my fault I came out that way as a parent but I can take responsibility for it. And that’s what I’d like everyone to know."
She is now a mum of three, and says parenting is a constant learning process.
“I’m always learning. Every day my kids come home with something new that I have to figure out. Every week there are new challenges.
“Tonight my son is going to cycle down to his training, whereas two weeks ago I would have had to give him a lift. They are always moving away from us!
“We have to learn how to set them free and keep them safe at the same time. And keep them on their own agenda rather than my agenda.
“I know if I’m getting it right or wrong because either we are getting on or there’s a bit of disagreement that we need to figure out.
“Kids are going to come home with their problems but really a lot of that is out of our control. I can be this really solid person for them to come to, if and when they need to, while also being the best taxi driver for them and all of those other roles!
“All any parent can do is just go with the flow.”
Bethan has worked with people for over 15 years in addiction and homeless services and suicide and self harm prevention. She has an online membership The Calm Parenting Club and supports parents in private consultations. All parents are welcome to the free online parenting community Calm & Confident Parenting which is full of tips, information and support to help parents ease the emotional load. More information about Bethan on her website, Instagram and Linked In.
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