As long as there’s been marriage there’s been infidelity. Affairs aren’t always in person, they may be online, with a paid professional, be purely emotional, a casual hook-up or a lasting love affair. They can mean the end of a relationship or can be transformative. They always involve secrecy and if discovered, they always cause great hurt.

Why do people have affairs? World renowned therapist, author and speaker Esther Perel says that while there may be a sexual element to an affair, there are often emotional needs getting met. They may feel very alone in their relationship, unimportant, invisible, disrespected, disliked, criticised, inadequate, unattractive. They may have tried to talk to their partner and been ignored or shut down. They may feel they’ve lost their identity as a sexual being since becoming a parent and partner.

Of course some people are going to cheat even if their partner is attentive and loving but Perel contends that the majority of people who have affairs are not “bad” people. They may be lacking in confidence, communication skills, struggle with stating their needs, or get caught up in affairs without aiming to.

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We know that the person who is cheated on will suffer immensely and they’ll have society and the law on their side. Things can get very black and white with the cheater being bad and the cheatee being good. The simple solution will be to leave the cheater because they’re untrustworthy and you should have more respect for yourself.

The reality is way more layered and nuanced for most. It may seem clear in a new relationship, but if a couple has children, a home, breaking the partnership may not be what they want. There’s no right or wrong way to deal with an affair. For some, the affair is the final nail in a couple’s coffin, but others may want to work on recovery and reconciliation.

Some report that an affair changed their sex life for the better. Insecure, angry sex may not be healthy, but it happens. The thing with that is it will die out as feelings change and energy lowers. It’s not sustainable or reliable. It may feel way better for one partner rather than both.

Sex will often bring the male that connection and intimacy that females need to feel non-sexually. So the non-sexual stuff is vital, even if sex is happening, in order for the improved or increased sex to last. Having lots of sex after an affair isn’t a fix for what happened. The fix takes a long time and happens in and outside the bedroom, within couples who are willing to put in some hard work, and be very courageous. If the person who has had the affair dismisses the behaviour, their partner’s feelings or tries to explain it as the partner’s fault, it’s probably best to leave.

Esther’s tips for the person who had the affair:

  • Acknowledge the wrongdoing. Express remorse authentically for the hurt you caused, without excuses or blame. And explain why you’re sticking around.
  • You become responsible for bringing up the affair, to hold vigil while your partner figures things out. You become responsible for holding the boundaries around communicating where you are, what you’re doing and who with, so your partner doesn’t have to be obsessed and worried.
  • Show your guilt for hurting your partner and the pain you caused.

Some tips for the partner who didn’t have the affair:

  • It’s only natural for a person to want to know the ins and outs of the affair, but instead of focusing on who was better in bed, Esther suggests questions that could help both partners to learn more about why the affair happened and what they need for recovery. For example: Why did it happen now and what did it mean? Did you think about us? Did you hope I’d find out? What is it about us that you value?
  • One person had the affair but both are responsible for rebuilding, so both will need to find a way to speak about the affair and what they need going forward. The recovery won’t be up to one more than the other and this can be a very hard thing to accept when you’re the person who was cheated on.
  • Is the trust broken across the board? Or do you still trust them with money, kids, other responsibilities? Keep the broken trust in proportion. With open and honest communication there can be a space for you to share what wasn’t working for you all this time and what you’d like going forward.

For more information contact Emily Power-Smith at empowersme.com.

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