My sex education at home happened young. After seven kids and nine pregnancies, my mum sourced contraception (illegally) from the UK. Every morning she would take “the pill” and I also took a pill. Mine was an orange flavoured vitamin C tablet.

On my first day in third class in the convent I attended, the teacher asked us to introduce ourselves. I proudly stated, “I’m Emily Power-Smith and I’m on the pill.” The lay teacher who was even holier than the nuns went an unusual shade of grey, thanked me, and asked to see my mum at the end of the day.

That night, Mum was forced to explain the difference between her pill and mine and why I couldn’t say I was on the pill as I wasn’t preventing a pregnancy. Then she had to explain how women get pregnant to her very curious child. She drew me a picture in green marker of a man standing opposite a woman with a big long penis sticking into her vagina (not anatomically possible). I was delighted with this information and immediately started drawing the diagram for all my friends, some of whom were not allowed to play with me anymore.

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In secondary school biology class, we were shown diagrams of a womb, ovaries and vagina and the biology of conception was explained as part of the menstrual cycle. There was no diagram of the vulva and certainly no sign of the clitoris. We also got a diagram of the male reproductive organ (the penis). We learned about erections and emissions and that it felt good for males to have both.

So women have pregnancies and periods that are painful and messy and men have erections and emissions that feel good. Men will try to get their penises into our vaginas for fun, but it’s our job is to stop that until we’re married and wanting babies.

I didn’t even imagine I could feel pleasure beyond that of satisfying a man by letting him put his penis inside me. I know I’m not alone in learning this and I still meet so many people carrying this value, along with the idea that female masturbation is wrong and orgasms aren’t important to “good” women as long as they are providing for their partner.

We’re talking nearly 40 years ago, when some people still had the misguided belief that there were only two genders, lesbians only cuddled, gay men were perverts, and bisexuals were confused. Unfortunately not a lot has changed in our education system and female sexual pleasure is still taboo. It’s fascinating to hear so many conversations about female orgasm and so few about female pleasure.

I meet women of all ages who tell me how much pressure they feel to orgasm while not knowing their sexual anatomy or how the female arousal cycle works. Some are shamed by partners for not responding orgasmically to touch that would leave a corpse cold. In the top five list of things that aren’t sexy, is pressure to orgasm for your partner’s ego. We’ve somehow managed to hijack the female orgasm and bypass pleasure while bringing women new ways to feel controlled, inadequate and shamed.

So here’s what you need to know:

• The vagina is the birth canal.

• The clitoris is the female sex organ. It is made of the same erectile tissue as the penis and most of it is internal.

• Women get erections (when given skilled stimulation).

• Because most of the clitoris is internal and we can’t get mouths or hands around it, the time needed to reach a full erection is way longer than for a penis.

• You can do everything right and still not orgasm.

• We can experience instant turn-on and lubrication at times, often due to new partners or experiences, but it’s normal not to get aroused quickly.

• The glans (external tip) of the clitoris has roughly three times the amount of nerve endings than the whole penis. Because of this, the clitoris needs to be approached with gentleness.

• Clitoral stimulation feels better when a woman is already turned on, not as a means of getting turned on.

• Massaging the vulva is a great way to bring on the erection.

• It’s always wise to use a good lube for clitoral stimulation as the flesh is so very sensitive.

• Masturbation is a great way to learn what you like without any pressure.

Next month I’ll guide you through ways to touch yourself that will help you to understand your arousal, find your pleasure and build towards orgasm.

For more information contact Emily Power-Smith at empowersme.com.

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